No matter how many lives I’ve changed or brought to Jesus through my blog means nothing if I can’t help my own sister.
I am writing these letters to her because she has finally chosen to open up and spill her frustrations, something I’ve been praying daily for her to do.
When I was in middle school I was falling in love with Jesus but I was going through my own hell. There was a war for my soul on both ends. I had hatred for myself, I thought I deserved pain because of my failures and faults. I thought the world would be better without me.
Through these times in hell I would talk to Jesus. During one of my Jesus Times I had an urge to start writing (I was probably 14) that brought me to tears. I was weeping, I didn’t know who these words were from. I asked the Holy Spirit to tell me whose heart this was and He told me it was Becky. Through my suffering I made her suffer.
Depression is selfish because it makes us think only of ourselves. It makes us sulk in sadness until someone does something about it. I wouldn’t even smile until something awesome would happen in my day. Living like that is no life at all. WAITING for happiness to stumble into you. After getting married, Dennis helped me realize I need to make happiness happen.
If I chose to take action on ending my life, I would’ve never been here to help my sister through her hell. And from the messages I get, I know so many of you are going through this darkness too. Which is why I chose to make these letters public with Becky’s approval.
Darkness wants us to give up so the people behind you are left alone. So that there wouldn’t be a testimony. But I lived to share mine. I am my sister’s keeper, she will not be alone. You are not alone.
Letter Written by me through the Holy Spirit, revealing Becky’s heart. (I gave her this letter only this year because it’s hard for me to connect with people and be so open. When she read the letter and I asked her if that was really her heart she said it was).
“Don’t make me feel like I’m nothing.
Don’t make me feel like I’m lost.
Sometimes pride will keep you from apologizing,
but it won’t make you greater.
Will you please look my way?
Sometimes I try to be humble, but sometimes it’s hard.
So I give up and start to like you, but now I’m not sure I want to be like you.
And when I’m crying on your shoulder
will you comfort me and stay close?
Because I know you’re wiser and you’re older
So will you be kind and give me advice?
Believe it or not, I look up to you.
And believe it or not but I have feelings too.
Don’t make me feel like I’m stupid
just because I did something wrong.
I know you make mistakes too but I overlook them,
can you overlook mine?
We have each other for a reason
can’t we be better friends with every passing season?
I know you have a busy life
And some day you’ll be gone to be a wife.
So let’s be kinder and better friends with the time that we have left to spend.
It seems like there’s times you look down on me.
A passing glance and you’re on your way.
I wish you would notice me
And I wish you would pause to stay.
You may not know it, but I have a lot to say”.
We’re here for one another. Be your brothers keeper, your sisters keeper, your cousins keeper, your mothers or fathers, your spouses keeper. Stop and listen.